Essential Conversation #2

I am reading The Essential Conversation: What Parents and Teachers Can Learn from Each Other by Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot. Each chapter is filled with teacher stories and wise thoughts. I wrote my reflections on the first chapter in this post.

Having been on both sides of the parent and teacher desk, I felt a bit defensive about the title of the second chapter.  I thought we were collaborative not “Natural Enemies.” This said chapter two had me questioning my beliefs. Had I been suppressing feelings as a parent, or sugar-coating student accomplishments as a teacher?  I have had difficult conversations, some still haunt me.  Was I avoiding conflict?


I could categorize painful parent/teacher discussions into three categories.

  •  Reflecting on a child’s progress
  • Questioning a teacher’s approach
  • A combination of the two

Thinking on my experiences, I always felt I made mistakes that could have been avoided. But, perhaps conflict is necessary. Perhaps, it brings what needs to be done to the forefront.

If teachers and parents are speaking their minds and opening up their hearts, then it is likely that there will be contrary points of view that lead to disagreements needing to be named and dealt with.

True and scary.

Chapter two contains a series of teacher stories that present practices that could make potentially combustible parent/teacher conversations productive. I’ll share the ideas that I want to institute or improve in the coming school year.

The Child is the Bridge: School to Home
All parents want to know what is going on but most kiddos will not be able to convey their school experiences. I send home a weekly packet of completed work with the hopes that it will help however, I wonder about the effectiveness of this process. It may work for the engaged parent and successful student, but not necessarily for the student who struggles with organization and/or academics. Sending home a packet of work does not make the bridge. One of the teachers profiled in this section also sends home weekly work but with a few added features.

  • A comment page with one or two observations about the child and space for the parent to respond and sign. What a great way to encourage communication and make myself more accountable noting growth or the lack of it every week. This would keep parents aware so that they can take action.  In my experience, most families are appreciative of knowing about concerns sooner rather than later.
  • An “Ask Me…” section that lists questions parents can ask their children about their week in school. It could be about anything we did during the week. This could start out with my questions with the goal of students creating the questions for their classmates to ask. The more I think about it, the more I like this idea as a way to build the bridge from school to home.

Each Child has “Unique Fingerprints”
Where a child lands relative to a “benchmark” produces pointless anxiety. What matters is how the child is moving on his journey as a learner and human. The uniqueness of every child can get buried by the pressure. How a child presents during one school year needs to be taken in the context of their journey. I have to work to make sure that unique qualities that fall outside the realm of academics are acknowledged and celebrated. Looking at the child through a long lens is helpful. Not just who they are now relative to a benchmark, but how their process of learning is progressing.  Next year, I want to devise a way to view progress relative to process; that takes into account goals made, strategies tried, and growth over time. The more specific the better.

Adjust the Mindset
One of my biggest takeaways from this chapter is the mindset I bring to conversations with parents.

  • View difficult conversations as a problem to solve together.  This mindset changes the tone from adversarial to collaboration. A what-can-we-do stance assumes that whatever the problem is will get better.
  • View parent input as a way to feed your teaching. Getting feedback can be painful but with a wide-open door, misconceptions can be cleared up. The effectiveness of my curriculum, no matter how long I teach or how flexible I am, can only be improved through honest family conversations.

Essential Conversations #1

UNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_1bc2This summer, I dedicated my reading life to my literary self. A tweet by Jess Lifshitz via Val Brown got a professional text into my book stack, and last week I started reading The Essential Conversation, What Parents and Teachers Can Learn From Each Other.  It has not disappointed.

Each chapter brings up emotional and substantive issues that surround the parent/teacher and home/school relationships.  It brings to light things I know, but need to reflect on to develop.

The first chapter, “Ghosts in the Classroom,” shares teacher experiences as students. Generational, cultural, and personal histories all play a role, coloring their current work and approach. In some cases, teachers have made intentional moves because of their experiences; in others, only upon reflection did they realize how personal experiences affected their teaching.  We all bring a backstory and expectations to the relationship. Noticing our history helps us understand our reactions and relationships.

To do this work, I had to dig deep. Past recent memories and my own children’s conferences to get to my childhood memories. What stood out were confrontations my mother had with teachers.

I lived in a community of educated parents with professional jobs who had high expectations for their children. If a student did not attain expectation with the instruction given, then a poor grade was the result. This was the case in my middle school French class. 

A note from my teacher instigated the conference. I was not allowed at the conference, but I remember how upset my mom was afterward. She described my teacher as wicked and prejudiced. I didn’t care what the teacher wanted. I cared about what my parents thought. I felt protected yet at the same time, scared of the teacher.  I got through that semester learning very little French.

This is my history, and it has colored my interactions as a parent and a teacher.

I chose an elementary school for my children that encouraged parent involvement. I knew my kids’ teachers and they knew me.  I saw everyday events. If something negative happened, it had context.  Lines of communication were open, and eventually, trust was developed. I didn’t have to be there to know things were being handled fairly.

Reflecting on my experiences as a student and a parent, I have three big ideas.
Parents trust you with their child.
As a parent, being allowed to observe the classroom alleviated the anxiety of dropping my child off. As they grew, I worried if they fit academically and socially.
Thinking back, rather than wait for a dreaded call or a formal teacher conference, I would have appreciated earlier feedback.

In my classroom, I want parents to ask questions early in our relationship. Offering opportunities to contact me by text, email, phone call, or a questionnaire (inspired by Pernille Ripp) has helped me understand students and mitigate potential problems early in the year.

The child should have a voice in teacher/parent interactions.
In most cases having the student as a full participant seems only fair. In our twice-yearly formal conferences, students lead the discussion. When my fourth graders learn this, they go into temporary shock.  It’s a new concept, but I tell them they are experts on themselves. Why shouldn’t they lead the conference? The process is revealing.  A student’s description of their work is an assessment in itself; setting new goals are often outcomes of these meetings.

Look through the lens of the parent.
By continually asking, how would I feel if this were my child, helps in all aspects of teaching. When I think about how I talk with parents, it helps me focus on the whole child and their progress over time.

I’m reading on. Posting my reflections in this space.


Stories that feed us

When I was in elementary school, my favorite book was a collection of biographies of women athletes.  I hungered for those stories. There weren’t many in 1968.

Today, the stories I wanted to read as a kid are everywhere. Often on television. The women athlete is an outlier no more. Their stories are told the most recent being the US Women’s Soccer Team. Their unapologetic, in-your-face confidence makes me feel anything is possible. I want to appropriate their fire and fearlessness. I want their skill, power, grace, and resilience.


I’m drawn to stories of people who inspire, who reach beyond, who don’t fit in.  As women athletes gain respect and adoration, their stories need to be held up. They believed, in spite of others’ disbelief, that they could achieve. Even if they were different.

While watching Nike’s heart-tugging and often bias-bending ads, I found the story of Ramla Ali, a Somalian refugee, who has a dream of becoming the first male or female boxer to represent her country in the Olympics. Ali overcomes trauma and her family’s beliefs about women. She is beautiful, complex, and inspiring. 

I plan to share stories like Ali’s with my students. Stories that exist in unlikely places about people who are different and unafraid. Dramatic and engaging people who inspire and can teach us to not shun or be shamed by differences. We are not the same. Our differences should inspire us to do and reach for more.

Stories of women athletes inspired and engaged my 8-year old self. They were superhuman.  They overcame. They were women. I wanted to grow up and be like them. I still do. And while I can’t be Megan Rapinoe on the pitch, perhaps I can channel her relentlessness in the classroom and lift the eyes of my students to see their possibilities in stories. Stories that feed their future.



Unpublished Memories

Looking for a recent draft, I found this unpublished post written at the end of the 2018 school year. I’m not sure why I didn’t publish it at the time. Finding it brought back sweet memories.  That’s reason enough to publish it now.


Thirty-four souls are members of room 32. They are a well-intended group that meets and often exceed expectations. Discussions have brought out insight and kindness.

As the days of this school year wind down, their growing selves barely fit inside this fourth-grade space.

I go out to meet them in their lines. They enjoy being little kids, but I notice signs of fifth grade in the air.

Today, emotions ran higher than usual.
She said. Her secrets. Tears.
He’s hogging it. It’s not fair. Tears.
Pressure mounts. Anger flairs.
What others think and say. Matters more than before.
Fights. Hurt happens.

But still, they squeal when they find out I’m reading the sequel to the Wild Robot. They are thrilled to start independent writing projects. Choice literacy options of poetry, blogging, new books, and art every week gives everyone reason to smile.

These are the waning days of fourth grade. They are bursting at the seams.  Their learning is clear as is the loss of their younger selves, never to be seen quite as before.

The loss is felt by some of the sensitive souls in the classroom. The ones that see the nuanced thematic messages of books we read. The ones that read into what you say. The ones that push back when asked to do things that are clearly driven by adult expectations and ask, Why do we have to?

And my answers aren’t what I would like them to be. Because I know. Life is waiting for them. Just around the corner. And that is scary sometimes. Oh to stay in fourth grade.