Essential Conversation #2

I am reading The Essential Conversation: What Parents and Teachers Can Learn from Each Other by Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot. Each chapter is filled with teacher stories and wise thoughts. I wrote my reflections on the first chapter in this post.

Having been on both sides of the parent and teacher desk, I felt a bit defensive about the title of the second chapter.  I thought we were collaborative not “Natural Enemies.” This said chapter two had me questioning my beliefs. Had I been suppressing feelings as a parent, or sugar-coating student accomplishments as a teacher?  I have had difficult conversations, some still haunt me.  Was I avoiding conflict?


I could categorize painful parent/teacher discussions into three categories.

  •  Reflecting on a child’s progress
  • Questioning a teacher’s approach
  • A combination of the two

Thinking on my experiences, I always felt I made mistakes that could have been avoided. But, perhaps conflict is necessary. Perhaps, it brings what needs to be done to the forefront.

If teachers and parents are speaking their minds and opening up their hearts, then it is likely that there will be contrary points of view that lead to disagreements needing to be named and dealt with.

True and scary.

Chapter two contains a series of teacher stories that present practices that could make potentially combustible parent/teacher conversations productive. I’ll share the ideas that I want to institute or improve in the coming school year.

The Child is the Bridge: School to Home
All parents want to know what is going on but most kiddos will not be able to convey their school experiences. I send home a weekly packet of completed work with the hopes that it will help however, I wonder about the effectiveness of this process. It may work for the engaged parent and successful student, but not necessarily for the student who struggles with organization and/or academics. Sending home a packet of work does not make the bridge. One of the teachers profiled in this section also sends home weekly work but with a few added features.

  • A comment page with one or two observations about the child and space for the parent to respond and sign. What a great way to encourage communication and make myself more accountable noting growth or the lack of it every week. This would keep parents aware so that they can take action.  In my experience, most families are appreciative of knowing about concerns sooner rather than later.
  • An “Ask Me…” section that lists questions parents can ask their children about their week in school. It could be about anything we did during the week. This could start out with my questions with the goal of students creating the questions for their classmates to ask. The more I think about it, the more I like this idea as a way to build the bridge from school to home.

Each Child has “Unique Fingerprints”
Where a child lands relative to a “benchmark” produces pointless anxiety. What matters is how the child is moving on his journey as a learner and human. The uniqueness of every child can get buried by the pressure. How a child presents during one school year needs to be taken in the context of their journey. I have to work to make sure that unique qualities that fall outside the realm of academics are acknowledged and celebrated. Looking at the child through a long lens is helpful. Not just who they are now relative to a benchmark, but how their process of learning is progressing.  Next year, I want to devise a way to view progress relative to process; that takes into account goals made, strategies tried, and growth over time. The more specific the better.

Adjust the Mindset
One of my biggest takeaways from this chapter is the mindset I bring to conversations with parents.

  • View difficult conversations as a problem to solve together.  This mindset changes the tone from adversarial to collaboration. A what-can-we-do stance assumes that whatever the problem is will get better.
  • View parent input as a way to feed your teaching. Getting feedback can be painful but with a wide-open door, misconceptions can be cleared up. The effectiveness of my curriculum, no matter how long I teach or how flexible I am, can only be improved through honest family conversations.

4 thoughts on “Essential Conversation #2

  1. Thanks for this nudge! I’ve been carrying this book around for a week but haven’t cracked it yet – in fact, it’s with me right now (as I read email & blogs instead of the book!) Looking forward to doing a little reading of it alongside you.

  2. I’m reading this one, too! So glad #ClearTheAir suggested it. I was nervous in the first chapter, but the second chapter helped me see what we already DO at our school. We have the children there, and many times they lead the conversation. We also share small anecdotes that let the parents know we SEE their child. One thing I’m considering adding – providing an actual photograph of the child in class – smiling, working, collaborating… I know it’ll be more work on my part. I may even have to blur out the rest of the students in a picture of many of them. What do you think?? Worth it – or no?

    • I think families would appreciate that! I feel this is book is all about looking at what you do and how you might improve it for your population of parents. Reading this book has been a slow contemplative process. I really have to think about my story with my students and integrate it into the stories.

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